So after a weekend of hard work I go live with the radically renovated Chateau Cherie last night. I had not finalized the arrangments with the subscription billing company I’d chosen, CCBill, but I had no expectations of any problems when I was filling out the paperwork this morning. Alas, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. As with so many things in the world of “adult” business, there’s finicky regulations hemming me in on all sides. Here I thought I was providing a site and a service a cut above, with something extra of intelligence, class, and real-womanliness to raise it above the standard “fuck my wet gaping holes” trash full of plastic doll-women and no sense of art, but apparantly because I am “describing herself as a courtesan which is a prostitute.” and CCBill’s AUP prohibits “Any and all sites running and/or participating and/or advertising the direct solicitation of sexual acts ” I am required to drop my beloved designation.
(I’m also not allowed to use the words “menstrual blood” as it’s a - gasp! - bodily fluid, which is also a no-no. Never mind that it’s a regular and perfectly normal occurence in the lives of nearly all real women, at least for a portion of their lives. Sigh.)
Anyhow, while it’s a minor matter to me to remove the words “menstrual blood” from the list of my fetish interests, it really hurts to stop calling myself a web courtesan. It’s not as if I’m offering any actual physical contact; I’m not clever enough at scheduling to manage that even if I wanted to, what with two young kids and a husband to work around, lol! And for crying out loud, is there anybody who’s delusional enough to insist that phone or webcam sex isn’t a sexual service, providing sexual acts? If there are any guys out there who ARE dumbassed enough to claim this, you can be damn sure your wives and girlfriends feel differently.
A courtesan is not merely a fast fuck, but also a woman who provides intelligent conversation and an atmosphere of artistic beauty and soothing acceptance which is refreshing to the mind and spirit as well as the libido. Yep, I guess she’s also a prostitue, and frankly I got no problem with that. I don’t think it’s such a godawful thing that there should be women (and men, for that matter) who choose to work as erotic-stimulators-for-hire. IMO they (we!) provide a valuable and necessary service.
Anyhow, I mean to ask the powers-that-be if I can remain a courtesan if I’m careful to attach a “web” or “digital” to it, to make it even more clear (duh!) that I’m not making any house-calls. I don’t expect them to bend though, so if anybody knows any good synonyms for courtesan I’d appreciate hearing them. The only one I can think of is Geisha, and I just don’t think I could pull that one off, being white and all.

I just loooove giving advice. Somebody oughtta hire me to write an advice column. No, really. No, REALLY.

Anyhow, this is actually a bit I just wrote to post on the Panty Hog forum; and I liked it so much I wanted to spread it around. Although posted here I suppose it’s more in the nature of a rant.

This is advice to a guy who is having poor results in meeting women on an online dating service. Now my advice is geared more toward the “adult” sites such as Adult Friend Finder or alt.com than say, eHarmony or match.com. Being married already I don’t have much call to advertise in places where people are (essentially) looking for someone to marry; wheras I have advertised for, well, other things on the “adult” sites. But the principles are probably applicable to those places as well.

The first thing to remember is that on those sites, guys outnumber girls by ten or twenty to one. So you really have to stand out from the crowd to get noticed.

Number one tip: DO NOT SIT AROUND WAITING FOR THE LADIES TO CONTACT YOU because it isn’t going to happen. These women are flooded with messages, they don’t have time to go searching through the listings. You need to do the searching, and send a message to the girls that interest you.

Tip number two, please, please READ her profile before you message a girl. Eg., if she’s into nothing but black guys and you’re whiter than rice, she’s going to shoot you down for sure. That’s why they have profiles, and all too many guys just look at a girl’s pic and don’t even bother to read the profile. With the volume of messages a girl gets, ones from guys who are obviously looking for something completely different will be ignored at best and flamed at worst. It’s hard not to get annoyed when the tenth guy that day offers you something you explicitly said you don’t want!

Tip number three: Don’t forget to write your own profile!!! It’s there so others can get to know you, and you can bet that if your initial message catches her eye she’ll be looking at your profile before she answers. Don’t miss the opportunity to impress her; put some effort into it! Check your spelling and grammar, write in complete, understandable sentences. Don’t rattle off the tired line about “I just want to please you” either; women (rightly) don’t buy it and it just looks desperate. Say something about yourself, what you do for a living, what your hobbies are, whatever’s really important to you. Besides hooking up :-p

Tip number four: You should definitely post pictures with your profile, and they should NOT be pictures of your dick! Even a size queen will want to look at your face before she sees your penis. Remember too that most of the women won’t have paid for a membership, so they won’t be able to see your full-sized pic unless you send it with your message - so do send one (or more) and please, please, let it not be a pic of your woodie! Just imagine if you were anywhere else, and you walked up to a girl and whipped it out as you were saying hello.

(I sincerely hope that the regular dating sites like screen for those! )

Tip number six: When you write that first message to a woman you’re interested in, once again put some effort into it! For heaven’s sake say something more than “I’d like to meet with you, here’s my phone number” Whyever should she respond to that? Remember, she’s getting a LOT of messages, most of which run along the lines of “you’re so hot, here’s my email/phone number/instant message handle/home address, when can we get together?” These messages are boring (cause you get so many of them), rude (assumes you’ll want to/have time to meet any old body), and unwise (nobody with any sense is going to meet with a stranger right away). Tell her what you find attractive about her, from her picture(s) AND her profile. Tell her what you would like to do with her (keep the naughtiness level appropriate to the forum - girls on alt.com are going to be more open to outright lewdness than those on a regular dating site). And finally, tell her something more about yourself.

(Extra bonus tip - keep these items in that order - everybody likes to hear good things about themselves, and it’ll get you off on the right foot with her. )

Tip number seven: Keep your own wits about you. A good percentage of the “women” who place ads at places like Adult Friend Finder and alt.com are actually people (male and female) trolling for customers. Some of them have worse things planned. And it wouldn’t be any more wise for you to go giving out your home address & phone number or agreeing to meet a stranger in a motel room than it would be for HER. Your using good sense will protect your from being scammed, and it will impress her with your wisdom, coolness, and lack of desperation if she’s for real.

There’s this music video that I see constantly on “the n,” which is the (if you ask me) lame-ass name for the tv station that is Noggin during the day. The video is the Black Eyed Peas’ Don’t Phunk with My Heart, and it always makes me think of Lenny Bruce.

Lenny Bruce was a little before my time, but I’ve seen a few of his bits from archive footage, and what always stuck with me was this insight: “dirty” words can only be so if everybody knows what they are, and what they mean.

Why does this video make me think of Lenny? Well, as played on the n, it’s SUCH a classic example of the phenomena.

There’s a couple of little bits that are oddly - but not inexplicably - blurred. Now the whole video has a racy, wink-wink-nudge-nudge kind of vibe, but apparantly those persons who are in charge of making things safe for our kids to view decided that two things in this video - the bit where Taboo grabs the chick’s ass and the words “Knock Boots” on the wheel at the end - were just too darn naughty for the 11-15 year old demographic the n’s programming is aimed at.

It’s not as if you don’t know he’s grabbing her bum, the whole scene indicates it so much that you need not see the actual move to know what has taken place. And even with all my experience I have not the foggiest idea what kind of sexual position might result in one “knocking boots” But I damn sure know now that “knock boots” means sex.

What has astonished me since the very first time I saw it played was the title - the word Phunk is such a blatantly obvious play on fuck, one of the dirtiest words available, I couldn’t believe they let it through at all. I’m guessing that the censors who made the rest of the video safe for the kiddies let this one pass on the basis that it might also have been a play on “funk.” However, contextually speaking, funk doesn’t fit at all…don’t musical style with my heart? See - it doesn’t work. Don’t screw with my heart - that works.

It strikes me that what is actually going on here is not so much protecting the kiddies from naughtiness as it is teaching them what is naughty. Oh, I don’t think the folks who slapped the blur on the video had any such thoughts in mind - more likely they were thinking “ok, the kids love this song but the parents’ll flip if we just play it; we have to try and clean it up a bit!” But isn’t that exactly how cultural conditioning works?

Like I said, it makes me think of Lenny.